Shakers!

Ok so I'm not meant to stray much from songwriting in this much-abandoned blog (except for recently, i think one reader? =P) But this is abit different I guess...

Man I'd missed Shakers. They came to sg on Friday with Tim Hughes... and I'd almost forgotten the feeling. Although the culture is so different in Singapore (ITS SO INCREDIBLY TAME!! =P) yet its still the same God, still the same people of God, and still worship of our God. We weren't "allowed" to jump at the seats (sif anyone followed that anyway =P) but there was little space anyway... so I went down and found meself a nice little 2m by 4m space which they said I could use... and it was GREAT! Using up the whole space.... got a massive blister on my foot, almost lost me voice, and my limbs were all aching after that.

But two things I remembered from that. One is that as long as you hold your dignity to an appreciable extent, you'll feel constricted. Constrained. I guess it defers for each person. For someone like David... well............ you know =P. Dan coined this term - "Balance between Expression and Distraction". Something to keep in mind

Second is that they had an UBER UBER UBER short message... dunno if I can even call it a message. But they kinda mentioned briefly about song writing. And it really makes me reconsider... why am I writing these songs for anyway? If I had to ask this when I started... I wouldnt really have an answer. Still don't. I believe God will use the words of one of the songs to speak to someone else (whom I have already shared the words with). Don't know how, don't know when, don't know anything but the trust of God. But what's the actual intended purpose?

Bleah I think I'm incoherent and not followable atm. Today we sent off someone who I've actually only known for a short time (she's the one who I gave those words to before, actually that whole thing is a long story too). Yet in such a short time, I've learnt so much from it. Don't think she even knows at all or realises it. Most of all... I think it made me revisit (again) what it was like when I left sg. Then when I left aus again. And soon I'll be leaving sg again most likely. To aus? Probably... but who knows what God will do?

Thoughts are muddled up and I think so is this post. Too many things that I never resolved properly. Never 'closed the book' so to say. That I really wished with all I am that I don't need to close - that somehow it can come back. Somehow it can be what I always wanted it to be. But is that God's will? Circumstantially it looks like it'll never happen. But how can I just let go? I just... can't seem to do it. To let go would be to.... *blank*. I don't even know. I can't even fill it up.

To the only one person (I think) who reads this, I'm sure you know what I mean. Because I believe you either will feel or have felt already the same pain I went through. Stuff that, am still going through. I believe the person we sent off today will soon feel the same pain. Can see it from a mile away. And you know what? I just feel so, totally, utterly helpless...

"At the end of it all, I know my God will restore". That was written as the climax of the song that I shared with her. And in writing this, I know that God's answer to me was - Wait. Possibly the most infuriating of God's answers sometimes. Wait. God, but what do I do now??? Wait. I will restore - in My time.

Wait.

The answer that most makes it feel like God didn't answer.

Wait.

The answer that most makes it feel like God's not there.

Oh God, this is my prayer. Dare I say it, its almost my challenge to You. May sound wrong, but its exactly what I feel. I've waited and will continue to wait. And Lord, I believe that as I do what You called me to do, You will do according to Your will and that You would make that known to me. So that I KNOW for sure, God You were behind this from the start.

Lord, may this time of pain, suffering and tears not be in vain but may I know with certainty, that with all my uncertainty, You were there.