Un-Teenagered!
Bobian lor, ppl expecting a long post, a long post it must be =P.
Okayyy so I'm now, as some would say, an 'unteen'! And to usher out my teenagerhood, within a few months I have been declared... lemme see... a wife, a foster mummy, a husband, a mummy, a daddy, and a daughter. Erm yeah, identity crisis somewhat? =P BTW, I'm not going to tell you all the relationships there are (like who's my husband for example) - unless you know already, for you to find out ^_^.
And the very last moments of my teenagerhood - spent playing TETRINET!!!! =P Haha on Hamachi... the platform I used to connect with the CBCers; the platform I used to connect with the Radiators. And I'm both excited and apprehensive about what it could achieve now.
Excitment and apprehension. Isn't this kinda what drives us so often in our walk with God? God gives us a vision and we get excited. But after a while, we learn to be a tad apprehensive cos we realise, God is gonna do it His way. No doubt it's the wisest way; no doubt it's the best way - but isn't it the very hardest fact that it's not our way? And following His way the past 8 years or so... the same struggles crop up again and again. Different natures maybe, but they're still the same struggles. At the end of the day, is it actually beneficial to others and to myself to expect what will happen?
I think I'll illustrate because that was rather abstract. A dominant pattern throughout the Bible looks something like this - 1) People try to do God's will their way. 2) They fail. 3) They get driven to their 'wilderness'. 4) God ends up using them. Not necessarily 1 and 2, but 3 and 4 are rather common. Look at Moses. Look at Elijah. Look at, lets sayyy the entire book of Judges. Look at the conquests and the failures of Joshua. And most importantly - look at Jesus.
The question I always ask is... so what do we do about this? The 'obvious' answers we always hear are things like surrender, letting go and letting God, trusting and obeying yada yada ya. But... to be first humbled, do we have to fail? Is it a bad thing if we never fail? (although I often fail, so that's somewhat moot =P) Do we seek to go into the wilderness simply because it's then that God can use me - when I'm broken, when I'm humbled. And the human nature of pride, I think (not a conviction, but a thought), forbids me to acknowledge my brokenness without failure. And so the question - what if I don't fail often? Should I... 'try' to fail? Should I try to go out into the wilderness so that I can let God take over? And if I do THAT... am I actually, in my heart, trying to do God's will my way? Trying to... 'twist God's arm' to humble me?
I know it sounds crazy. I know it sounds warped. I know that there's no Biblical precedence for a practice like that (to my knowledge). Even Jesus didn't go into the Judean desert on His own accord - He was sent out there by the Holy Spirit. But I'm convinced that God gave us His Word for a reason. I'm convinced that He didn't highlight the failures of the 'spiritual giants' for nothing. Yet, I'm not quite sure what to think about it - and more importantly, what to do about it.
In terms of the 'Bible struggles', I'll end it here. I don't want to risk stumbling my babies (now that I know most of them read the blog) but if you want to know more feel free to ask me over msn or something. But be assured, for all you who think I know alot of the Bible and am following God's way and all that kinda thing - believe me, I struggle with the Word as well. And while the issues might be slightly deeper, it all goes to the base - I need a Saviour as much as you do. And the deeper you grow in Christ, the more you realise your need for a Saviour. And the more thankful you will be (at least I was) to a God who is not only mighty to save, but who DID come to save.
Now where was I? Oh yeah, excitment and apprehension =P. Went for the 9am service at Subi on Sunday, and then joined Catalyst (the youth service) at 10:30am. It was incredibly encouraging to see what's happening there - and all the more so, knowing what it was like 3-4 years ago. To see them like you know, being quizzed on things about the Bible in itself... of course in terms of depth, it doesn't compare to the sg churches with the comprehensive Sunday School programs, but it was still really encouraging to see how far they've come. To see a worship team made almost purely of youth, who all don't look confident, who all probably didn't think very much of themselves - and yet who all were willing to serve. And once again, like even before I went into GEFC, I saw the needs. Beyond the logistics, beyond the 'what needs to be done'... I saw their faces, and I saw the need.
Now here's the problem =P. That's just one possible area of ministry =P. However, I still have a heart for... I guess you could call them the middle-of-nowhere people. People who don't fit into the youth group, people who don't fit into the young adults, people who don't fit into OCF etc etc. Essentially, people like me, people like those I led in the group before I left. My heart really goes out to them. It did in GEFC as well, but I knew that I wasn't sent to them while I was in Singapore. The thing is, at this point, I'm not quite sure where I'm sent.
Another area I'm interested in is as always, the worship ministry. However, this is less of a priority for me because there isn't really a need (goodness knows we have enough feral keyboardists in Subi =P), but is still an area that I think I would enjoy. The issue being of course is that on weeks that I'm on the team, I wouldn't be able to attend Catalyst (if I do get involved there). The other issue being that it eats up the Thursday night (if it hasn't changed) for practice. Assume one other night for some sort of Bible study/small group. Looking at my timetable which I just drafted out today... I think that's the maximum I can pull off without risking burnout. Of course no matter what, I don't want to give up listening to the sermons, either in the 9am or 10:30am. They've really been a great source of growth, even in my time in Singapore, and I would hate to have to give that up.
Oh yeah talking about the small group as well =P. At this point, I really don't know if my calling to a small group is to learn and grow, or to serve and minister. Either way, in the long run, my vision is still to see people grow. Who are the people? What do they need? How will it be done? What time frame will this take place? Pretty much.... waiting on God =P.
So yup =). A lot of options (more than I didn't mention as well), and only so much that can be done. And I'm really worried, because the moment I start seeing and analysing the options, I risk imposing my will instead of God's will. Yet at the same time a balance has to be made in making a wise choice with discretion. I have to be prepared for God to do something radical. I have to be prepared for God to do something normal. I have to be prepared for my pride to get in the way of whatever God has in store for me. I have to be prepared to let all my preperations slip away and become irrelevant, because if God wants to catch me by suprise, you bet He can and He will.
Excitement and apprehension.
Okayyy so I'm now, as some would say, an 'unteen'! And to usher out my teenagerhood, within a few months I have been declared... lemme see... a wife, a foster mummy, a husband, a mummy, a daddy, and a daughter. Erm yeah, identity crisis somewhat? =P BTW, I'm not going to tell you all the relationships there are (like who's my husband for example) - unless you know already, for you to find out ^_^.
And the very last moments of my teenagerhood - spent playing TETRINET!!!! =P Haha on Hamachi... the platform I used to connect with the CBCers; the platform I used to connect with the Radiators. And I'm both excited and apprehensive about what it could achieve now.
Excitment and apprehension. Isn't this kinda what drives us so often in our walk with God? God gives us a vision and we get excited. But after a while, we learn to be a tad apprehensive cos we realise, God is gonna do it His way. No doubt it's the wisest way; no doubt it's the best way - but isn't it the very hardest fact that it's not our way? And following His way the past 8 years or so... the same struggles crop up again and again. Different natures maybe, but they're still the same struggles. At the end of the day, is it actually beneficial to others and to myself to expect what will happen?
I think I'll illustrate because that was rather abstract. A dominant pattern throughout the Bible looks something like this - 1) People try to do God's will their way. 2) They fail. 3) They get driven to their 'wilderness'. 4) God ends up using them. Not necessarily 1 and 2, but 3 and 4 are rather common. Look at Moses. Look at Elijah. Look at, lets sayyy the entire book of Judges. Look at the conquests and the failures of Joshua. And most importantly - look at Jesus.
The question I always ask is... so what do we do about this? The 'obvious' answers we always hear are things like surrender, letting go and letting God, trusting and obeying yada yada ya. But... to be first humbled, do we have to fail? Is it a bad thing if we never fail? (although I often fail, so that's somewhat moot =P) Do we seek to go into the wilderness simply because it's then that God can use me - when I'm broken, when I'm humbled. And the human nature of pride, I think (not a conviction, but a thought), forbids me to acknowledge my brokenness without failure. And so the question - what if I don't fail often? Should I... 'try' to fail? Should I try to go out into the wilderness so that I can let God take over? And if I do THAT... am I actually, in my heart, trying to do God's will my way? Trying to... 'twist God's arm' to humble me?
I know it sounds crazy. I know it sounds warped. I know that there's no Biblical precedence for a practice like that (to my knowledge). Even Jesus didn't go into the Judean desert on His own accord - He was sent out there by the Holy Spirit. But I'm convinced that God gave us His Word for a reason. I'm convinced that He didn't highlight the failures of the 'spiritual giants' for nothing. Yet, I'm not quite sure what to think about it - and more importantly, what to do about it.
In terms of the 'Bible struggles', I'll end it here. I don't want to risk stumbling my babies (now that I know most of them read the blog) but if you want to know more feel free to ask me over msn or something. But be assured, for all you who think I know alot of the Bible and am following God's way and all that kinda thing - believe me, I struggle with the Word as well. And while the issues might be slightly deeper, it all goes to the base - I need a Saviour as much as you do. And the deeper you grow in Christ, the more you realise your need for a Saviour. And the more thankful you will be (at least I was) to a God who is not only mighty to save, but who DID come to save.
Now where was I? Oh yeah, excitment and apprehension =P. Went for the 9am service at Subi on Sunday, and then joined Catalyst (the youth service) at 10:30am. It was incredibly encouraging to see what's happening there - and all the more so, knowing what it was like 3-4 years ago. To see them like you know, being quizzed on things about the Bible in itself... of course in terms of depth, it doesn't compare to the sg churches with the comprehensive Sunday School programs, but it was still really encouraging to see how far they've come. To see a worship team made almost purely of youth, who all don't look confident, who all probably didn't think very much of themselves - and yet who all were willing to serve. And once again, like even before I went into GEFC, I saw the needs. Beyond the logistics, beyond the 'what needs to be done'... I saw their faces, and I saw the need.
Now here's the problem =P. That's just one possible area of ministry =P. However, I still have a heart for... I guess you could call them the middle-of-nowhere people. People who don't fit into the youth group, people who don't fit into the young adults, people who don't fit into OCF etc etc. Essentially, people like me, people like those I led in the group before I left. My heart really goes out to them. It did in GEFC as well, but I knew that I wasn't sent to them while I was in Singapore. The thing is, at this point, I'm not quite sure where I'm sent.
Another area I'm interested in is as always, the worship ministry. However, this is less of a priority for me because there isn't really a need (goodness knows we have enough feral keyboardists in Subi =P), but is still an area that I think I would enjoy. The issue being of course is that on weeks that I'm on the team, I wouldn't be able to attend Catalyst (if I do get involved there). The other issue being that it eats up the Thursday night (if it hasn't changed) for practice. Assume one other night for some sort of Bible study/small group. Looking at my timetable which I just drafted out today... I think that's the maximum I can pull off without risking burnout. Of course no matter what, I don't want to give up listening to the sermons, either in the 9am or 10:30am. They've really been a great source of growth, even in my time in Singapore, and I would hate to have to give that up.
Oh yeah talking about the small group as well =P. At this point, I really don't know if my calling to a small group is to learn and grow, or to serve and minister. Either way, in the long run, my vision is still to see people grow. Who are the people? What do they need? How will it be done? What time frame will this take place? Pretty much.... waiting on God =P.
So yup =). A lot of options (more than I didn't mention as well), and only so much that can be done. And I'm really worried, because the moment I start seeing and analysing the options, I risk imposing my will instead of God's will. Yet at the same time a balance has to be made in making a wise choice with discretion. I have to be prepared for God to do something radical. I have to be prepared for God to do something normal. I have to be prepared for my pride to get in the way of whatever God has in store for me. I have to be prepared to let all my preperations slip away and become irrelevant, because if God wants to catch me by suprise, you bet He can and He will.
Excitement and apprehension.
posted by Psistriker at
6:17 PM
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