The approaching of one end

So I'm turning 19 (apparently). No its not quite the end of my teenage years yet... but being in a thinking mood (which is bad, for those of you who don't know), I'm kinda led to think about how my teenage years have been lived out. And well... it's pretty unusual. I don't know that many people who can say that they'd often rather be with their parents than their friends, and struggle to say that. I don't know that many people who would go through more pain because of someone else's problems, than their own problems. And well lets face it, I pretty much don't know ANYONE else who would ACTIVELY try to do badly in school (perhaps one of the things I, unfortunately, succeeded in, although some might still beg to differ).



And just random thoughts flash through my mind. For confidentality's sake, they'll be pretty vague.



Back in the day when I thought a dingo was a kind of vegetable
Back in the day when I wrote in my exam that scurvy was caused by homesickeness
Back in the day of BSF. When there was one person who I could actually learn the Bible WITH. Rarely nowadays do I get that opportunity.
Back in the day when I excelled at studies and sucked at sports (although the latter is still true =P)
Back in the day of feeling like a loner, and yet having friends


Back in the day when I decided to cut down my studies
Back in the day when I met a group of old friends through dota
Back in the day, when somehow, I got immersed into their small group and ended up unofficially teaching them most of the time
Back in the day when I broke my finger the period before a physics test, and a week before my final year mid-year papers (man that sucked).
Back in the day when I had to go for my end-of-school ball (yes I went for a ball. No I do NOT have pics =P)
Back in the day when the most major high school exam was approaching, and I didn't care.



Cos that was the day when I was torn between two groups, and there was a battle in my mind. There was my home church, where I had friends but we were not close. There was the other church, where I had friends and was closer, but that felt too much like a teacher relationship. And I still felt like a loner. Like nobody cared. I still wouldn't be suprised if that were the truth.



And so, entered the days of service.

Those were the days when the first ministry I ever took part in was ushering. And I loved it. Love it love it love it. Still love it. I tell you first thing I do whenever I go back to my church for a holiday in aus is take the ushering spot. That was one of the times I felt the most joy.
Those were the days when I did carparking. Fulfilling, but tiring.
Those were the days when I had BSF on Mondays
And the meeting with the other Church group on Tuesdays (though after awhile BSF stopped and this moved to Monday)
And study on Revelation on Wednesdays
And worship prac on Thursdays.
And church youth program on Fridays.
And cramming all my who-knows-how-many-hours-i-had-to-clock of uni on Saturday.
And Sunday... well Church + afters =P. Nothing much else ever happened on Sundays.



And so... those were the days when I burnt out. No details for now



So came the days when I stopped half of those activities, cos I don't, EVER want to have to go through a burnout again. And I don't ever want to have to see someone else go through it.

Then started the days of the Subi small group. Hoo boy. Where to even start. I'll come back to this later.

Then came the days of talking to more people one-to-one. And I found THIS was where I was a lot more comfortable. I was never, still am not really comfortable around large groups. I could never speak to a group as a group - it felt too... non-personal. If ever I spoke to a group of people, it was to each person in that group. But even that was weird

Because those were the days when I learnt that each person needs to hear something different for different circumstances.

Those were the days when I learnt of different problems different people go through.
Those were the days when I really realised God's grace to me
Those were the days when I believe I realised Dean's challenge to me.
Those were the days when I found that keeping silent was often the easiest solution, but was not always the best solution.
Those were the days I depended on what God said, to know what to say
Those were the days when I fought a fight not my own and came out suffering and causing pain for something that had nothing to do with me.
Those were the days when I realised that I had to depend on prayer, because I was utterly helpless

Because those were the days when I found myself in situations which had nothing to do with me, where I could do nothing about it. Absolutely nothing.

And then, actually kinda interlinked with the previous one... came the days when I struggled with the Subi small group.
In these days, I realised that I was powerless even to deal with things that I had started. Things I had started and failed to carry on.
In these days, I learnt the difference between what I wanted to teach, and what they needed to hear.
In these days, I learnt that what people want is not always what people need.
In these days, I learnt that I needed God's wisdom because I didn't KNOW what they needed.
In these days, I learnt that running away from a problem never helped.
In these days, I learnt that escaping just didn't work.
In these days, I learnt to face back, and confront my past.
In these days, I found out that sometimes tears are the only way out.
In these days, I discovered what a huge battle can take place in the mind.
And I haven't even fully patched up the effect of these days. Despite what I'm told, I just can't let go. I can't just relax about it. I just can't let it slip my mind.

I guess you could say I'm still imprisoned in the effects of those days.


And so came the recent days. I don't know what to write. The story isn't finished yet though, that's for sure. But I think there's currently a sense of not knowing who I am. I believe I'm not what many people see me as. I believe I'm still the person I knew back in Australia. The one who cannot bring himself to comfort in a large group. The one who would prefer to take time off from people to be by himself in times of stress. The one who would always prefer to talk one to one with people. As 90% of you probably don't understand, I believe I remain a high S.

My birthday's coming soon and I'm being prodded about what to do. My dad's given me an opportunity to go dinnering with people. Actually... I don't know if I want to. Now don't get me wrong peoples, its not that I don't want to be with you =P. But what is a birthday dinner? Its just a once off event that has never really had an impact on me. I can't remember ANY of my birthdays, except very dimly. It never struck me. It never really bothered me. It never left a mark.

I think I'll talk to my parents about it. I might just spend the day doing the thing that impacted my life the most through these years. The place where I feel comfortable, and yet where I'm vunerable. The place where I'm used to, yet can be a place of awkwardness. The place where I believe I can live out the verse that has been giving me motivation recently, and yet the place where I feel so helpless that I have to plead with God every time I do it.

I'm such a total walking paradox. Something which I'm thinking of doing, but could cost me in terms of pain, suffering, and another battle in my head. But hey. God's blessed me with so much that I have to do something with it. Maybe that something changes with the seasons. But this one is... I still feel like a failure doing it. Even though I don't do anything. And I still wonder if I should - even though I don't really have control over it

Or do I?

Ought to be an interesting final year of being a teenager =)